Mothers day

I am not anticipating much for mothers day tomorrow. The day has certainly changed its feel for me and I wonder will that ever go away. I lost a baby two years ago on mothers day, I didn't feel very maternal at all, perhaps the antithesis of maternal. Last year I got to spend the day with my mother, and mother in law, it was all about them and what their mothering to me means. I think that helped me get through the day.
This year however, I have a 21 week bun in the oven, but it's just me and my mothering. I should be feeling good about that but the pain of loss has not yet subsided. And I wonder if in a small way it never will. There will always be markers and times that you remember what is not and what was not meant to be.



But being mindful and thankful to God about what I have today, 2 two lovely boys, a wonderful husband and a jar of lemony goodness body scrub made by Elliot. He wants to watch me use it in the shower, I'm not sure how I feel about that.